Monday, January 31, 2005
Shame
The feeling of shame has been overbearing all my life. Always beings clumsy, out of the place. Class reunion: old wounds reopened. Yet it was a situation where I also felt aloof, observing from a distance. Adolescent fantasies of vengeance wiped away. All the passing years hanging heavy like lead. The price of reaching some sort of maturity and stability is the heaviness. In my younger years the feeling of shame was almost daily. School was like an ongoing gauntlet. Other kids mocking my blushing face. I reacted strongly, felt strongly about things. Both excitement and shame swept through my body like fire, burning everything in its way. Now everything has become more lukewarm. Prozac turned the old choleric me to one more phlegmatic. About which I can't be entirely sad.
Friday, January 28, 2005
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Cocktail Books in Finnish
Cocktail was a Finnish men's magazine in the late 1960s/early 1970s. They published a series of erotic pulp novels, which were Finnish translations of originals in English. Here is a listing of them, with an image gallery.
Monday, January 10, 2005
I Need A Job
This February I've been registered unemployed for four years now. Therefore, I'm now trying to find a job with the assistance of local employment office, which have a special consultancy service I've been been visiting. And by a "job" I mean something for which they would actually provide wages for me to pay my rents and bills. Not just promo records or free access to a festival or the joy of seeing my name printed in a magazine. Having a "reputation" and occasional back-patters but no actual monthly incomes, as my life is now.
I know it's a strange life that I'm leading, living "in the underground". It's a bit like the life of a monk. My daily activities at the moment consist of waking up in the morning, eating breakfast, taking shower and reading morning papers. Then I head for library's computer room to check out my e-mails, browse the Web for possible news for pHinnWeb's Mailing List, perhaps do some updates for the Website, and so on. Then I head to have an inexpensive lunch at the cafeteria of local university.
On the way back I perhaps visit Vuoltsu's Webcafé if I have some scans to do for the site which I can't do at the library. Sometimes I check out from Voltti Records if Riku has received any new electro 12"s. After that I head home via grocery store, take a little nap, drink tea, watch TV, read a bit, perhaps write something too (my stereo is on nearly all my waking hours). And then it's bedtime.
Saturday nights I usually spend at Yo-Talo to see people and trying to avoid too much cabin fever (I know I have strong hermit-like tendencies so sometimes I just have to force myself being a bit more social). I may visit some other clubs on other nights too if they have something interesting music live or club-wise. And that's how my life goes on month after month.
Of course there are some diversions such as visiting my producer friend Mika in Kaukajärvi for the sessions of our musical project, Kompleksi. So, it's not really too interesting; music and art being a solace for me to save me from total boredom and the feeling of meaninglessness. The general bleakness and blandless of life replaced by the world of fantasy and imagination; that is, living more in one's own head than in outer reality. A typical mindset of a schizoid individual, you might say?
Therefore, a change must come, but sometimes you start to wonder if you have stuck too much in your routines already, so as years go by, it gets harder to disembark from the cosy comfortability and the superficial safety you have so much grown accustomed to. I know my position is problematic since my university studies went nowhere because of certain personal mess-ups in my life at the time (basically problems of a dysfunctional, depressed mind; hopefully corrected now by ten years of therapy and Prozac?), I don't have much experience from working life, and about the only "CV" I can offer are my activities with pHinnWeb and electronic/alternative music scene, all of them more or less "unofficial". Besides that I'm already 30+, which can mean the pariah among the superficial image industry which constantly seeks Moloch-like new young flesh to devour -- but I still don't want accept a role among "the marginalized" of this society. Though I'm well aware of being and leading a sort of life of an "outsider artist"; having a "self-made life" as they call the outsider artist culture here in Finland.
I know my personal shortcomings. I'm somewhat a loner and don't feel comfortable with people unless I know them well. Social situations I still think as something I need a lot more practice with, but I only can do my best now, appear a bit less moody and retiring, and generally a more approachable person, though it's not too easy for me. I think I've got a strong anti-authoritarian tendency and I get heavily defensive if I feel someone wants to boss me around. I hated the army's brainwashing machinery with all those red-faced drill sergeants screaming their lungs out. I despise the idea that I would have to kiss the behind of some little workplace Hitler again. My tendencies might me make a lousy team player, but on the other hand, I know I can work independently, be creative and can be totally dedicated and persistent with what I'm doing.
I know it's a strange life that I'm leading, living "in the underground". It's a bit like the life of a monk. My daily activities at the moment consist of waking up in the morning, eating breakfast, taking shower and reading morning papers. Then I head for library's computer room to check out my e-mails, browse the Web for possible news for pHinnWeb's Mailing List, perhaps do some updates for the Website, and so on. Then I head to have an inexpensive lunch at the cafeteria of local university.
On the way back I perhaps visit Vuoltsu's Webcafé if I have some scans to do for the site which I can't do at the library. Sometimes I check out from Voltti Records if Riku has received any new electro 12"s. After that I head home via grocery store, take a little nap, drink tea, watch TV, read a bit, perhaps write something too (my stereo is on nearly all my waking hours). And then it's bedtime.
Saturday nights I usually spend at Yo-Talo to see people and trying to avoid too much cabin fever (I know I have strong hermit-like tendencies so sometimes I just have to force myself being a bit more social). I may visit some other clubs on other nights too if they have something interesting music live or club-wise. And that's how my life goes on month after month.
Of course there are some diversions such as visiting my producer friend Mika in Kaukajärvi for the sessions of our musical project, Kompleksi. So, it's not really too interesting; music and art being a solace for me to save me from total boredom and the feeling of meaninglessness. The general bleakness and blandless of life replaced by the world of fantasy and imagination; that is, living more in one's own head than in outer reality. A typical mindset of a schizoid individual, you might say?
Therefore, a change must come, but sometimes you start to wonder if you have stuck too much in your routines already, so as years go by, it gets harder to disembark from the cosy comfortability and the superficial safety you have so much grown accustomed to. I know my position is problematic since my university studies went nowhere because of certain personal mess-ups in my life at the time (basically problems of a dysfunctional, depressed mind; hopefully corrected now by ten years of therapy and Prozac?), I don't have much experience from working life, and about the only "CV" I can offer are my activities with pHinnWeb and electronic/alternative music scene, all of them more or less "unofficial". Besides that I'm already 30+, which can mean the pariah among the superficial image industry which constantly seeks Moloch-like new young flesh to devour -- but I still don't want accept a role among "the marginalized" of this society. Though I'm well aware of being and leading a sort of life of an "outsider artist"; having a "self-made life" as they call the outsider artist culture here in Finland.
I know my personal shortcomings. I'm somewhat a loner and don't feel comfortable with people unless I know them well. Social situations I still think as something I need a lot more practice with, but I only can do my best now, appear a bit less moody and retiring, and generally a more approachable person, though it's not too easy for me. I think I've got a strong anti-authoritarian tendency and I get heavily defensive if I feel someone wants to boss me around. I hated the army's brainwashing machinery with all those red-faced drill sergeants screaming their lungs out. I despise the idea that I would have to kiss the behind of some little workplace Hitler again. My tendencies might me make a lousy team player, but on the other hand, I know I can work independently, be creative and can be totally dedicated and persistent with what I'm doing.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Pulpetti Blog And pHinn The Pink Floyd Apologist
My good friend Juri Nummelin, the pulp fiction expert extraordinaire, has opened his own blog at http://pulpetti.blogspot.com/. Expect a lot of Juri-esque rants about crime fiction, music and whatever.
Except I have to digress about Pink Floyd, Juri. Yes, it's true, pHinn is not just a closet Pink Floyd fan any more! Syd Barrett-era is the best for me, of course, but I'd be a big liar, if I didn't say I wouldn't have been listening a lot of their post-Syd albums too. I love their atmospheric cinematic soundscapes (I always get chills listening to those synths on 'Shine On You Crazy Diamond'), and their pioneering use of editing and segueing tracks plus sound effects (e.g. on Dark Side of the Moon) I see paving the way for the later electronic music and sampling too.
Some favourite Floyd tracks of mine: 'Careful With That Axe'/'Come Out Number 51, Your Time Is Up' (the version used in the "Apocalypse Scene" of the film Zabriskie Point) -- if you can, listen to those versions following each other: it starts as a slow atmospheric drone and just explodes at the end, blows my mind every time. 'Echoes' and 'One of These Days' -- just hypnotic, with Roger Waters' funky bass. Only with The Wall Waters' egomania got too much for me, but I even like that one half-much (post-Waters albums I don't even rate).
Of course every good punk worth their salt is supposed to hate the Pinkies, thanks to Johnny Rotten's famous "I Hate Pink Floyd" T-shirt (which should have had "Genesis" instead of Floyd, methinks), but I've just been listening to my favourite album from John Lydon's (a.k.a. J. Rotten) post-Pistols project Public Limited Image, Second Edition (a.k.a. Metal Box), and I have to say, with Jah Wobble's immortal liquid basslines, eerie soundscapes with chilly synths and all, even this album has its Floyd-esque moments! There's a little bit of Pink Floyd everywhere, eh? Ha ha, you old punks and wanna-be punks!
Except I have to digress about Pink Floyd, Juri. Yes, it's true, pHinn is not just a closet Pink Floyd fan any more! Syd Barrett-era is the best for me, of course, but I'd be a big liar, if I didn't say I wouldn't have been listening a lot of their post-Syd albums too. I love their atmospheric cinematic soundscapes (I always get chills listening to those synths on 'Shine On You Crazy Diamond'), and their pioneering use of editing and segueing tracks plus sound effects (e.g. on Dark Side of the Moon) I see paving the way for the later electronic music and sampling too.
Some favourite Floyd tracks of mine: 'Careful With That Axe'/'Come Out Number 51, Your Time Is Up' (the version used in the "Apocalypse Scene" of the film Zabriskie Point) -- if you can, listen to those versions following each other: it starts as a slow atmospheric drone and just explodes at the end, blows my mind every time. 'Echoes' and 'One of These Days' -- just hypnotic, with Roger Waters' funky bass. Only with The Wall Waters' egomania got too much for me, but I even like that one half-much (post-Waters albums I don't even rate).
Of course every good punk worth their salt is supposed to hate the Pinkies, thanks to Johnny Rotten's famous "I Hate Pink Floyd" T-shirt (which should have had "Genesis" instead of Floyd, methinks), but I've just been listening to my favourite album from John Lydon's (a.k.a. J. Rotten) post-Pistols project Public Limited Image, Second Edition (a.k.a. Metal Box), and I have to say, with Jah Wobble's immortal liquid basslines, eerie soundscapes with chilly synths and all, even this album has its Floyd-esque moments! There's a little bit of Pink Floyd everywhere, eh? Ha ha, you old punks and wanna-be punks!
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