Monday, January 10, 2005

I Need A Job

This February I've been registered unemployed for four years now. Therefore, I'm now trying to find a job with the assistance of local employment office, which have a special consultancy service I've been been visiting. And by a "job" I mean something for which they would actually provide wages for me to pay my rents and bills. Not just promo records or free access to a festival or the joy of seeing my name printed in a magazine. Having a "reputation" and occasional back-patters but no actual monthly incomes, as my life is now.

I know it's a strange life that I'm leading, living "in the underground". It's a bit like the life of a monk. My daily activities at the moment consist of waking up in the morning, eating breakfast, taking shower and reading morning papers. Then I head for library's computer room to check out my e-mails, browse the Web for possible news for pHinnWeb's Mailing List, perhaps do some updates for the Website, and so on. Then I head to have an inexpensive lunch at the cafeteria of local university.

On the way back I perhaps visit Vuoltsu's Webcafé if I have some scans to do for the site which I can't do at the library. Sometimes I check out from Voltti Records if Riku has received any new electro 12"s. After that I head home via grocery store, take a little nap, drink tea, watch TV, read a bit, perhaps write something too (my stereo is on nearly all my waking hours). And then it's bedtime.

Saturday nights I usually spend at Yo-Talo to see people and trying to avoid too much cabin fever (I know I have strong hermit-like tendencies so sometimes I just have to force myself being a bit more social). I may visit some other clubs on other nights too if they have something interesting music live or club-wise. And that's how my life goes on month after month.

Of course there are some diversions such as visiting my producer friend Mika in Kaukajärvi for the sessions of our musical project, Kompleksi. So, it's not really too interesting; music and art being a solace for me to save me from total boredom and the feeling of meaninglessness. The general bleakness and blandless of life replaced by the world of fantasy and imagination; that is, living more in one's own head than in outer reality. A typical mindset of a schizoid individual, you might say?

Therefore, a change must come, but sometimes you start to wonder if you have stuck too much in your routines already, so as years go by, it gets harder to disembark from the cosy comfortability and the superficial safety you have so much grown accustomed to. I know my position is problematic since my university studies went nowhere because of certain personal mess-ups in my life at the time (basically problems of a dysfunctional, depressed mind; hopefully corrected now by ten years of therapy and Prozac?), I don't have much experience from working life, and about the only "CV" I can offer are my activities with pHinnWeb and electronic/alternative music scene, all of them more or less "unofficial". Besides that I'm already 30+, which can mean the pariah among the superficial image industry which constantly seeks Moloch-like new young flesh to devour -- but I still don't want accept a role among "the marginalized" of this society. Though I'm well aware of being and leading a sort of life of an "outsider artist"; having a "self-made life" as they call the outsider artist culture here in Finland.

I know my personal shortcomings. I'm somewhat a loner and don't feel comfortable with people unless I know them well. Social situations I still think as something I need a lot more practice with, but I only can do my best now, appear a bit less moody and retiring, and generally a more approachable person, though it's not too easy for me. I think I've got a strong anti-authoritarian tendency and I get heavily defensive if I feel someone wants to boss me around. I hated the army's brainwashing machinery with all those red-faced drill sergeants screaming their lungs out. I despise the idea that I would have to kiss the behind of some little workplace Hitler again. My tendencies might me make a lousy team player, but on the other hand, I know I can work independently, be creative and can be totally dedicated and persistent with what I'm doing.