Thursday, June 03, 2004

Chick A

I wrote the Kompleksi song "The Only Star In My Sky" about Alex of Chicks on Speed. Yes, I had a crush on her, fell in love; she was the reason I became their "Official Unofficial" "Webmaster".

How typical of me: I'm not a tall man, only about 5"9"; she must be about 6", even over. But there's something about tall women: maybe it's easy to worship and love from a distance someone you can't ever have or reach. I met her for the first time in December 1999, when Chicks on Speed had a gig at Helsinki's Tavastia. I had already done a Net interview with them, and I was now at backstage after the gig. It turned out the Chicks had been quarreling over something that night and were not talking with each other. Alex confided this to me, and I thought it was touching, since I was virtually a stranger. She was very sweet and nice: for me it was love at first sight.

We talked a lot via e-mail all through the year 2000. I guess it got a bit intimate: she told me about their gigs and different music and art projects, but also about her personal fears and frustrations. I guess there developed some sort of link between us: it just deepened my feelings for her. I always called her "the light at the end of my tunnel". I think at some point I just panicked and blew it. She was looking from me some sort of a brother substitute, I was looking for something else about her. "And that's how the story ended".

These days I'm in contact with any of the Chicks very rarely. I occasionally still maintain that "fan site" and probably will keep doing it, but that nevertheless evokes in me some sore memories, which I have to keep at arm's length. "You came into my life like a vision / a poster on my wall / and sometimes I wonder if it was real at all."