Thursday, July 22, 2004

Summertime Flu And Great Expectations

Great, thanks to that class reunion night, I got cold and been now suffering from flu all this week. In the middle of warmest summertime, how else. I've been trying to rest: I've got my DJ gig at Swäg on Friday, then the Underground Disco event with Slavic Walkmen on Saturday, so I've got to be OK by then; not to let my fans down. Ha ha ha. The 7th of August I'll go to Turku to play at Uuden Musiikin Festivaali. So, DJ-wise it's been busier for me than usually. I wonder if I can take this pace, but on the other hand I've got no choices: I'm still officially unemployed and I've got to try to "establish myself" the best I can with my music activities. Because It's hard for me to think that I should do an ordinary nine-to-five job, especially now when I'm getting older. The idea just devastates me. I don't think I'm that lazy, but I'm quite a lot either-or person: either I have to be 100% motivated to what I'm doing, or then I'm not motivated at all. I've done these wage jobs and I just couldn't take it. I became lazy and irresponsible. I had no spark for it. It makes life hard for you sometimes, I know. My dream: to be able to earn some sort of living with pHinnWeb/music/related activities. It's quite ironic, isn't it? That you have to work so hard just to avoid ordinary jobs, avoid being just like everyone else; being drowned by your tedious everyday existence of work, family, children...

I'm some sort of example of the guilt created by Protestant work ethics. I bear constant guilt of the fact that my university studies didn't go anywhere, that everyone was expecting great things from me, but I just couldn't do it. Because that was not how life worked out for me; there were too many personal and family mess-ups, tons of guilt, depression, shame; all in one vicious circle. My redemption was music and my Website. I had to leave all those people and their expectations behind, and it wasn't that easy. It still isn't. I compare my life to tightrope-walking. As long I just keep on going and doing my own thing, it's going to be alright and fine, but if I look down and start to think about the abyss beneath me, there's a chance that I will fall. I lead a strange, unreal life; I know having to face the reality of other people would crush me. So I just have to cope with what I've got. Keep on praying (I speak metaphorically here of course since I'm not that religious person; a sort of agnostic, I guess) and believing in my Guardian Angel (ditto).

Besides having cold, my stomach has been upside down for over a month now. I have to take crap a couple of times a day, and it often comes out nearly liquid, like diarrhea. I guess drinking bucket-loads of coffee for years and eating all sorts of unhealthy crap has done it (plus all psychosomatic hardships I've been through, I guess): my guts are fucked. Sorry if this is disgusting for you, but does anyone read these ramblings anyway...?