Sunn 0))) -- Aural Chinese Water Torture

Now I can die in peace, for I have seen Sunn 0))), a must for all connoisseurs of Chinese water torture, sticking bamboo needles under your fingernails, or if your idea of a relaxing weekend means being nailed by your testicles to the ceiling.

I arrived too late to see Circle; the infernal Sunn 0))) intro tape of a million decibels was already on, playing from behind the closed curtains of stage, and it must have lasted at least as long as the actual gig. It's a sheer wonder people didn't go nuts from the noise and start killing each other.

Finally the gig started, and I was relieved of the idea that the noise torture would end, but it just all went on and on. Imagine a bunch of guys with guitars in hooded monks' robes playing something (doom-gloom-grindcore-whatever metal; sorry, I'm not really an expert with these genres) that sounds like: "Growl... growl... growl... growl... growl... growl... growl..." and ad nauseam, for a time that feels like a hundred millennia, and you might get close... but only slightly. Like watching "Spinal Tap" on video... frame by frame until you reach your pension age. And all you hipsters, The Wire mag loves them, so be now the coolest kid on your block and check this aural equivalent to Spanish Inquisition out!

One guy growls something that might be the vocals; Satanic invocations from your favourite metal album, played backwards and on 16 RPM (on the other hand, the lyrics might be of the type: "Sugar and spice and everything nice", or something about driving your E-Type Jaguar on Sunset Strip, but how can you tell?).

I swear there was also this little skinny bearded hippie type running around naked in front of stage, but he actually made me think more of Charlie Manson than Jesus; making me wonder if they were going to sacrifice us all to Lucifer to give an appropriate ending to the gig. I heard Tero Viikari of Klubi removed said naturist by grabbing him by the arm and his you-know-what (not without putting on a rubber glove first, understandably).

Maybe you should be on a permanent diet of downers and already half-deaf from tinnitus to be able to appreciate this. Well, I have to admit it really removed wax from my ears, so the benevolent side here must be something of shock therapy style. If you want to torture your family and neighbours, or get rid of unwanted guests who have already worn out their welcome, I recommend you to play a record of Sunn 0))) to them. Or if you're even a biggest sadist, take them to Sunn 0)))'s live gig. For all you aspiring flagellants and people into self-mutilation out there. Of course, one man's torture is other man's orgasm, so sorry to all you Sunn 0))) fans who read this.