Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Brusque

I'm an awkward and brusque person; not of the sort that tends to please people by whispering sweet nothings in their ears. A very intense and committed person in what I do; who'd rather act than waste his time in pleasant chit-chat. A person who lives on his nerves and can't pretend pleasant niceties if there seem to be more urgent things at hand. Someone who believes actions are more important that words -- which can merely fail and deceive. This sort of straightforwardness and intensity just unfortunately tend to alienate people from time to time, but they can't understand what it feels like when the whole world is burning underneath your feet.

Lately I've been thinking that it's better, the more I just keep my mouth shut. That's probably the most important lesson for me to learn. Because people seem to mistake me for a very arrogant person -- or adversely, because of my taciturness, they think I'm a weird creep. It's a no-win situation, isn't it?

If I could choose, I'd rather stay alone at home with my records and books. But that choice is not really there for me to make; therefore there is nothing else to do but to seek contact with people the best I can, despite my limited social skills and hermit-like tendencies.

In fact, I'm a split personality: an introvert who desperately wants to be an extrovert. Being a typical Leo, I secretly enjoy being the centre of attention despite my obvious appearance of shyness and reticence. pHinnWeb is nothing but an exercise of one person shamelessly strutting and flaunting his ego.

Th clichéd and pathetic cartoon image of the devil standing on my one shoulder, and the angel on another. "I don't give a fuck about what you think about me or if you hate me" --"Please, accept me, love me". A neglected child seeking attention, by any means necessary...