Thursday, June 03, 2004


People with big egos usually live in glass houses.

I have seen, heard and experienced some dark things that have made me what I am today. When I was a little child, I have seen a father of two to get drunk and beat his wife up in front of their children and me. I have seen a man lying in a pool of blood, when I was about six years old. "(I Ain't No) Lovechild" is a purely autobiographical song. I have seen cruelty and ignorance, the inbuilt violence of society, educational system and army. I have felt the geography of fear on the streets and night bars. I have learned to trust very few people and fear the rest. Shell-shocked and timid, a ghost at noon -- but still I have survived. I refuse to become another traumatized victim of the past.

I bless every day out of school; if I was attacked I would fight to death; I have learned to be aware of people's forked tongues; men who hurt with their fists and women who hurt with their words. I'm a lonely man leading a monk-like existence, and I don't know if I should feel miserable or just enjoy my freedom.

I spend most of my time in solitude; there are many days I don't actually speak to anyone. There are people who think I'm strange, a weird creep. There are people who think I'm gay because they never see me with a woman: if they knew how many times my heart has been broken over women, never for men, but what good would it be to explain -- let them keep their preconceptions and fantasies. As I get older, it's easier to ignore those people, but I don't say it wouldn't hurt anyway. Then you just learn to despise.

Probably you think now this is another exercise in self-pity. Maybe it is. Nevertheless, life goes on, day after day.